Being Conspicuous

[marydell]

neutronjockey asked an interesting question over here, and I think I should answer it in a new post, since other folks on my flist are adopting too, and may be interested.

So, here is how we prepared for people's assorted reactions to interracial families and/or disability:

1. First, our social worker had us do a buttload of training including international adoption, interracial adoption, prenatal drug exposure, and some other stuff.  I think we'd racked up 40 hours of training by the time we got Charlie.  There's an online class offered by Adoption Learning Partners called "Conspicuous families" if you don't have an in-person class you can go to.

2. Mike and I both have family members with disabilities; from the time I was 6 years old my (much) older sister has walked with a pronounced limp and has very limited use of her right hand.  So I've seen her answer the "what's wrong with you" question a lot of times.  We also had a family friend who was blind and another who was in a wheelchair, and since I was a child around them I asked all the questions a child does, and learned various things from how they answered (more on that below).

3. I spent a lot of time talking to and learning from my POC friends about racism, white privilege, and what the world feels like for people of color. I also solicited opinions from all my friends, POC or white, about interracial adoption.   And I read a crapload of books and blogs about race and interracial adoption.

4. I grew up good friends with a family that had a mix of bio-kids and interracially-adopted kids, and we all talked about race together from an early age.

5. I got picked on mercilessly when I was a kid, because I looked like one of those kids you can pick on.  I won't elaborate but if you were one of those kids you know what I mean and what some of the likely causes were.

Sooo....from all that I've come up with some rules for how I handle Charlie's conspicuousness, with kids and with adults.

1. I make sure he always looks as cute as possible

2. I make sure he looks well tended--clean clothes, multiple layers, everything matching, etc.  This doesn't have to cost a lot although I'm fortunate to be able to afford some nice things for him.  But I know people who dress their kids entirely in 2d hand stuff and you would never know it.

3. When I introduce him to children, I point out his arm to them before they can notice it for themselves.  Then they aren't startled by it, just fascinated, so they ask some direct questions and maybe point out that they have *both* hands. Then move on to saying how cute he is.  I also do this with adults, if they're going to be around him again.

4. I invite children to touch his arm and I show them the little nubbin on the end that would have been a finger and explain that the arm didn't grow, which reassures them that this won't happen to them.

5. When talking to children, and to some adults, we refer to his future prosthetic arm as his "Robot arm," because robots are cool.  And nowadays, prosthetics are often also robotic.

6. When people come up and peer at him, I always say hi and I generally also say "This is Charlie, say hi, Charlie," and pick up his hand and wave at them. 

7. He is in a large daycare full of a diverse group of children.  There are plenty of downsides to daycare, but daycare kids tend to have strong social skills.

8. We let everydamnbody touch him.

9. We explain what we know about his disability to pretty much everyone who asks.  "it might be a mutation, it might be what they call a 'spontaneous event,' we're doing medical tests to determine if he has any other problems.  But he's doing great, he's a wonderful baby, he sleeps right through the night..." 

The net effect of all of this seems to be that everyone who meets him--friend or stranger--feels comfortable with him very quickly.  The children in the neighborhood really like him and enjoy being around him, partly because they get to pet him and touch him, which gives them a sense of ownership.  (Note: this policy will change as he gets older and starts to care about being touched or not.  But for now it is helping his neighbors to bond with him)  Because I talk directly to strangers who see him, and I tell them his name, they ask me questions about him instead of whispering to each other behind my back.  Also, once they've asked about the ways in which he is unlike other babies they start asking about what he eats, does he have teeth, how does he sleep--they move him into the category of "normal baby" and they pretty much forget about his differences, because their curiosity has been satisfied. I think that people are powerfully curious, more than they are cruel or hostile.

And the main thing is that we're doing everything we can to give him a sense of security and strong sense of self, and a lot of love and affirmation, so that when he encounters someone who thinks there's something wrong with him, his gut will tell him "that person is weird!" instead of internalizing that person's negative stuff. 

For me, the bottom line is that I enjoy being conspicuous, most days, and what I focus on is how we can be conspicuous in the most positive way possible.   I want Charlie to be an ambassador for other kids like him.

It helps that he is the world's cutest baby, of course:

Comments

[neutronjockey.livejournal.com]

Thanks Mary.
My primary concern is for myself and my reaction. My response for people who stare has been to stare back --- and even when working with adults with developmental delays (who by no means could hide who they were) I would confront people with, "Problem?"

I need to learn to ignore people's...we'll call it curiosity --- and entertain ignorance to some degree.

My chances of adopting a child with African American heritage is high. I stick out in a crowd by virtue of who I am... I walk and talk with authority (military upbringing and background)...I am also not the lightest colored dude on the planet --- I have more than once been approached by people (even people from those countries and places) under the assumption that I'm Middle-Eastern in heritage...and here in the land of OK which is predominately German stock...I'm a sore thumb.

So yeah. I've got a lot of 'stuff' to look forward to. "Conspicuous families," I dig it.

You're awesome, thank you.

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

Curiosity is fine, ignorance can be a bane (I get 'Where are you from?' on a regular basis since when I open my mouth I disrupt the assumptions of the observer; I get 'Where are you really from?' once in a while).

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Yeah, people are going to start with a baseline set of assumptions and push to keep them from being disrupted. When you're adopted by white parents, the assumptions are pretty bad--your birth family must have been broken, drug-addled, underaged and unloving, and anything you achieve in terms of intelligence or personality is because of your white upbringing. Gah.

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

Gah! is right.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

It helps to remember that you're always modeling behavior for the child--that you are on stage in front of them from day one. So the emotionally-satisfying answer is often not the right answer, because it will teach them to view the world as hostile. Taking charge of the dialogue right away, before it can go in a direction that will upset you, is helpful. The more outgoing you can learn to be, the more comfortable and happy you'll be with conspicuousness, I think.

For me, it helps to encourage myself to think that my child is inherently better than everybody else's child, and that everybody else's child is weird on some level. Like, seriously, I see other kids with two hands and I feel sad for Charlie, but then I squash that feeling and tell myself, "look at those lazy babies, using two hands to do everything!" I mean, I laugh about it but I really have started to think this way. I have also come to think that caucasian babies have weird, huge, gaudily colored saucer-like eyes.

Thinking this way is important, because our society prefers its members to be white and able-bodied, and I've internalized that just like every other member of the culture. Defensiveness about my child is, on some level, coming from an internalization of the notion that he's inferior. So I work hard to sweep away every last grain I can reach of racism & disablism in the corners of my own psyche, and that in turn lets me react with pride and joy when someone notices Charlie, and to teach those people to react with pride and joy to him as well.

At least, that's my hope. For me all of that is considerably easier than feeling comfortable about being an adoptive parent (and therefore a failure in my biological destiny as a woman), so that's where I tend to feel defensive and shy and so on.

[serge-lj.livejournal.com]

I make sure he always looks as cute as possible

Somehow I doubt that takes much effort.

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

None at all, I imagine.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Well, little stuff like keeping his face clean and dressing him nicely helps. But yeah, he is inherently extremely cute.

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

:-)

[ashnistrike.livejournal.com]

All good ideas--although, as said above, making sure he is cute can't be too difficult. It's helpful for me to think about what's involved, since S & I will make a relatively conspicuous family no matter how we get babies.

Speaking of normal baby stuff, how big is Charlie now? We were out to visit Bobby last weekend and he has doubled in size since he was born. I know that's what they're supposed to do, but it's still a bit startling. And his dad knighted S for her role in producing him.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Knighthood=excellent. Hope you took pix of your visit, I'd like to see! (Have been thinking of you guys often but the past month has been sheer madness, what with the sicknesses and post-sickness job catchup...hopefully in November we can get together)

Charlie has nearly tripled in size since he was born - I'll post pics of him on my lap later today and you can see. At his last weigh-in he was 18 pounds and I think he's 28 or 29 inches now. He's big enough that I'm having trouble finding certain age-specific clothing, like sleep caps, that will fit him--he's wearing 6-9 mo clothes but is only 4.5 months, like Bobby. It is amazing to look at pics of him from when he was 1 month & under, and compare to the much more solid creature he's become.

[ashnistrike.livejournal.com]

No pix, unfortunately--we are all four of us un-virtuous failures at camera carrying. But we can show you the Declaration next time you are over. It is possibly the only Declaration of Knighthood ever to contain the phrase "morning sickness."

We've been hectic, too. But some time in November would be great. Drop me an e-mail and we'll try to figure out a time that I can make dinner or lunch for you guys.