TV Graveyard Rules

[marydell]

The Funeral
1. Funerals are always at the graveside
2. The eulogy is given by a main character, even if they weren't the closest person to the deceased or even getting along very well at the time they died
3. The casket is never actually lowered into the earth...
4. ...because everyone except the main bereavee walks away from the grave site immediately after the eulogy...
5. ...in multiple random directions.


Visiting the Grave
1. there is always a bench directly in front of your loved one's grave
2. If they have a marker, it is the approximate size of Mount Rushmore
3. If someone wants to talk to you during your mourning period, they will drive clear across town and walk to the grave site to see you there, instead of phoning your cell or coming to your house...
4. ...and then after saying 3 sentences to you, will immediately leave again.


I'm sure there are more...what am I missing?

Comments

[careswen.livejournal.com]

-It's usually raining.
-Everyone is garbed in all black, including their umbrellas.

[troubleinchina.livejournal.com]

Yes.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Yes to both of these. Black umbrellas! Just for the occasion.

[beamjockey.livejournal.com]

These are good observations...

1. Funerals are always at the graveside
2. The eulogy is given by a main character, even if they weren't the closest person to the deceased or even getting along very well at the time they died

But the most memorable TV funeral I can recall violates these two at least.

(Preacher starts speaking at 2:30, which is the Good Part.)

[marydell.livejournal.com]

That's awesome. Somehow I never watched the MTM show when I was growing up...my husband often berates me about that.

[bifemmefatale.livejournal.com]

One female at least is going to be wearing a hat with a veil, never mind that they went out in the 60s.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

Oh yah. When my grandpa died, the last thing on my grandma's mind was, "Hey, I'd better go get a hat with a veil!" And yet almost every TV funeral that features a widow or bereaved mother has that person in a veiled hat.

[skylarker.livejournal.com]

I would like to own a hat with a veil for just such occasions; it would be nice not to have people see my face when crying.

[bifemmefatale.livejournal.com]

That was indeed the original purpose.

[ashnistrike.livejournal.com]

... I actually didn't know that. I'm being a little boggled here in general, as I've never been to a proper funeral, and had therefore assumed that in more religious families they happened just like on TV. (In my family, we cremate, there's a big party at the deceased's house, and the next of kin scatter the ashes later.)

-Nameseeker

[marydell.livejournal.com]

The usual run of things in my midwestern-Catholic experience is: a wake/viewing the afternoon and evening before the funeral, where everyone comes by, looks at the deceased (or at their closed casket, depending on how the family decides to handle that), and chats with the family. Usually there's a receiving line where you walk past some display boards with a bunch of photos of the deceased, then you get to the front of the line and say your condolences to whichever family members are working the line, then you move along to the casket, kneel in front of it at a kneeler and say a prayer, and then move along to the sitting-around/milling-around part of things. There's a book you sign and sometimes a box for cards & money gifts (non-celebratory money gifts; they help to offset costs).

The next day around 10 or 11 am there is a church funeral, which is usually a full mass+funeral service. Occasionally it's just a funeral thingy without the full mass. The casket is usually at the front of the center aisle of the church, in front of the altar, for the service. At the end of the funeral the pallbearers (6 men, family or friends) bring it down the aisle (using a rolly thing sometimes, depending on their age & strength) and put it in the hearse. Then the main family unit goes to the cemetery along with the priest, where the casket is put into the grave with a small blessing, and the family puts dirt on it. Sometimes at this point there is a luncheon. I think maybe people also serve food at wakes but I am generally a bit freaked out at wakes so I don't hang around longer than I have to.

Catholics are just starting to do cremation--it wasn't allowed, back in ye olden days--but not scattering, in my experience. My aunt and my friend Susan were both cremated and then buried, probably because regular grave-visiting is popular in our tradition, so not having an individual personal gravesite freaks people out somewhat.

(I have been to way too many proper funerals, obviously!)

[readinggeek451]

In my (limited, Protestant) experience, the funeral is at the church, then everyone drives to the cemetery in procession, in as many cars as possible. There's another few words at the graveside, then people drop flowers on the casket, by now in the grave.

This may or may not be preceded by a wake/viewing/whatever the day before.

[ashnistrike.livejournal.com]

Thank you - now I know something that I didn't before.

-Nameseeker

[ashnistrike.livejournal.com]

Also (posted to soon, then thought), people don't actually do the all black (and hat-with-veil if you are a woman close to the deceased) thing anymore? That seems a shame to me, but perhaps I am reacting to my family's utter lack of ceremony by being inclined too far in the other direction.

-Nameseeker

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Hats and veils, no, but formal, fairly somber clothing, yes. When my grandpa died and my brothers went to get kitted out in suits and/or jackets so they could be pallbearers, they all got different subdued colored jackets, not black, and wore black armbands. That was 30 years ago, though--I haven't seen a lot of black armbands lately, although they do crop up occasionally.

There's sort of a push-pull between wanting to wear black as a sign of mourning, and wanting to wear something a little more cheerful as a celebration of the person's life. Lavender is a good compromise color.

The hat-and-veil thing may still be popular among other groups, though.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I don't recall whether you've watched Six Feet Under, but since it's set at a funeral home, it violates several of these (and occasionally hits several more).

The funeral I just watched on House was, at least, set at a funeral home, and there were two on The West Wing that took place in churches. So at least there's that. Also, The West Wing acknowledged that not everybody who goes to the funeral in a church goes along to the graveside for the interment, but most people do, so they leave the service all going in more or less the same direction.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

I haven't watched Six Feet Under, since it apparently kicks off with a gruesome death every episode, and I am chicken.

You're right about The West Wing. No force in the 'verse could prevent the writers from sticking Jed Bartlet into a church, given a half-decent excuse.

[mrissa.livejournal.com]

I have only watched half of one season of Six Feet Under, but so far a lot of the deaths are not visually gruesome. There's one where an old person wakes up and finds their spouse died in the night--sad, but not gory or played for any kind of macabre thrills. On the other hand, one of the ones that is gruesome depends on your imagination for the gore. I don't know about you, but that can be much worse for me than vats of ketchup. I say this not to say that you'd be okay with the deaths but to give more data than just "gruesome death every time."

[carbonel]

I think there may be an additional rule that if no one really liked the deceased, the funeral may be helf in a funeral parlor to show the embarrassment of hardly anyone showing up. I think I've seen at least two of those -- and the Chuckles the Clown funeral might count as well.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Oh, right! Sparsely-attended wakes and funerals are generally shown as being indoors. Also an open-casket wake is usual if the deceased is a vampire.

[mellybrelly.livejournal.com]

There is always someone watching the funeral from off in the distance, from behind a tree or a grassy knoll.

[beamjockey.livejournal.com]

I think this is an important addition to the rules.

[roadnotes.livejournal.com]

Ah, yes, the future plot twist.

[seawasp]

Actually, I usually see the ones where the coffin's ALREADY IN the grave, so there's no need to lower it.

[pixelfish.livejournal.com]

Actually I've never been to a funeral where they lower the coffin while ANYBODY is around. Even when my grandparents died and were to be entombed in the SLC mausoleum, they didn't put them into the open crypt while we were there.

In Mormonland, the main bereavee would never be left alone at the grave either. They will be at the church surrounded by family and eating food provided by the Relief Society. This food usually includes potato dishes and is even known as "funeral potatos".

[marydell.livejournal.com]

For my grandpa, I recall there was a thing of saying a few words at the graveside with the coffin on a rig of some kind, and then they lowered it in with a crank, and then we each threw a little dirt on the coffin, and then we left. But the actual funeral happened earlier in the day - it was strictly family for the graveside part. That seems to be the norm in my hometown.

[carbonel]

Jewish funerals involve putting the coffin in the grave and throwing at least three shovelfuls of dirt into the grave -- though in our family, the tradition is for the family members to fill in the grave completely.

It's considered a mitzvah, because it's something you do for the deceased that he or she can't possibly reward you for. (Judaism is short on the concept of afterlife.)

[unhappytriad.livejournal.com]

Right after I read this I saw a movie in which 1, 3, 4, and 5 were observed. Needless to say, I cracked up.

[ebony14.livejournal.com]

If flowers are laid on the casket, they are tossed onto the casket as it is lowered into the grave (rather than laid on the casket at the end of the graveside service, which is how I've done it at funerals where it was part of the service). They're always roses, rather than lillies (which I think are more traditional). The first person to lay the flower on the casket will be the lover of the deceased, whether or not he or she's family (unless they're watching the funeral from behind a tree).

When attendees to the funeral make their way down the line of family to pay their respects before leaving the gravesite, the mother and/or father of the deceased are always at the end of the row. If there are hysterics at the graveside, it is always the deceased's mother. If someone attends who had a hand in the death, however remorseful they may be, they will be slapped by the mother of the deceased. The father will never do more than castigate the attendee in a stern voice.