Judging Dead People

[marydell]

My aunt died nearly 6 years ago of a totally survivable cancer. She knew she was sick, but didn't go to the doctor for an entire year, because she had a lot of stuff going on in her life and she didn't want to deal with whatever she was going to find out. So when she finally decided she needed to take care of the problem, the problem turned out to be stage 4 cancer. She was diagnosed in January and died in May. Age: 54. In those months she had surgery twice; she never healed enough to be able even start chemotherapy.

She should have gone to the doctor. A year earlier, it would have been treated with surgery and she would have survived.

I was pretty angry with her for dying, for letting it get to the point of being untreatable. I think I would not have made the choices she made.

But. I wanted to be fair. I took some time and made a list of every health condition of my own that I was ignoring. It was a pretty damn long list. None of them seemed life-threatening to me, but neither did the condition she ignored for a year. I decided that once I'd done something about everything on my list, then I would be entitled to be angry with her, and to pass judgment on her.

In the past 6 years, because of her death and the ensuing list, I've had my impacted wisdom teeth removed. I've gotten an asthma inhaler that I carry with me. I had an ultrasound of my uterus to make sure that my bad cramps weren't a sign of a dangerous condition. I've done a whole bunch of other small things and improved my allergy management a whole lot.

What I haven't done is switched to a heart-healthy diet, or lost the 30 pounds I need to lose in order to be at what my doctor considers a healthy weight, or the 50 I need to lose to be at what the government considers a healthy weight. I've tried, but it's really fucking hard; it challenges me psychologically in ways I'm not ready or able to face. I suppose she felt the same way about the condition that she thought she had.

I'm not angry with my aunt. I don't feel superior to her. I'm glad I've developed the habit of going to the doctor when something's wrong, and I think some day that habit may save my life. But it doesn't make me better than people who don't have that habit.

In the wake of Natasha Richardson's death, I'm wishing more people would make lists like mine--in this case, of things we do that potentially endanger our lives, even when we know ways to be safer--before pointing out the mistakes that she made. It's not that this isn't a moment for learning; it is. But maybe it doesn't have to be a moment for judging.

Comments

[elettaria.livejournal.com]

Good for you for writing this, and for being able to use your anger constructively and learn from it.

Shapely Prose (http://kateharding.net/) is a website you might appreciate. I'm not saying you shouldn't lose weight if you and your doctor feel it's necessary, but this sort of writing really helps deal with the messed-up mindset regarding weight that most of us have developed from the society we live in.

I think a lot of people have difficulty with going to doctors. They put it off because they're afraid or busy, or they don't want to bother the doctor with something minor, or they don't think there's any point. And then when they get there, they're not quite sure how to talk about why they're there, or they give up when the doctor tries something that doesn't work instead of going back and asking to try a different treatment. I've had to make a great effort to learn how to deal with doctors, particularly since I find them very intimidating. It's paid off, though, and I now have a fantastic GP and have been training my mother to make better use of hers (e.g. walking her through what you need to talk about with the doctor to get good pain relief).

In cheerier news, what did you think about the prosthetic finger with USB drive (http://elettaria.livejournal.com/76495.html) I mentioned the other day? You're the first person I thought of when I read about it, naturally, since you've talked about the "robot arm" you hope Charlie will have in the future.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

This is a wise and excellent post.

I could blather about how, when a disaster strikes, people immediately set out to figure out how the victims 'deserved' it, so they can reassure themselves of their safety. Or, I could make my list, in preparation for my upcoming doctor's appointment.

*makes list*
(Well, really, gets back to work.)

[marydell.livejournal.com]

I thought the prosthetic usb finger was awesome...I'm in favor of anything that moves prosthetics in the direction of greater utility, even (maybe especially?) non-standard forms of utility.

Since Charlie came along, I've discovered that doctors, at least in my area, expect to get paged and don't think it's a big deal, so I'm a lot quicker to phone or page my doctor when I'm sick than I used to be. But taking care of my own health has otherwise gone by the wayside while I take care of him...my dentist will totally yell at me whenever I get around to seeing her.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

If it's the same doctor you saw recently, please consider adding this to the list:

punch doctor in nose

[pameladean]

Oh, I'm sorry about your aunt.

I don't know what your particular issues are with weight loss (mine are LEGION), but if they don't involve lists of foods or whatever, then following the heart-healthy diet and trying to get some good exercise without thinking about the scale is likely to put you in a much better place in terms of your health. I did this for hypertension, and while I haven't been able to go off my meds entirely -- I think there's a genetic component here too -- I got to reduce dosages and go off some of them.

Please ignore this advice if it is not useful.

P.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Thanks, it is useful! My issues with weight are also legion. And when I'm not all freaked out about life I sort of manage to be somewhat heart-healthy...at least, from what I remember of the couple of times I have been not all freaked out about life.

I am one of those people whose emotional life manifests in her physical life, so when I'm doing well I'm a healthy, active large person who likes noms, and when I'm not doing well I'm a distressed couch potato who thinks having pop-tarts with my candy bar makes it a balanced meal (and the second candy bar doesn't count because it's dessert, of course). The overall difference is probably only 15 pounds, but my heart and lungs are feeling it currently.

Unfortunately the key to me doing well emotionally seems to have to do with, OH GOD NO, writing. If I don't write I can't handle the painful or scary things in life, but writing is one of the painful and scary things in life (I suspect you are familiar with this conundrum, or something like it). I don't like to feel vulnerable.

[goddess32585.livejournal.com]

I'm baffled that anyone thinks death is an appropriate time to judge a stranger. I mean, strangers are rarely good targets for judgment any time, but when they are actually incapable of a) explaining themselves and b) making amends...? Why bother?

[marydell.livejournal.com]

I think it's part of people's instinctive need to feel in control. Believing "it couldn't happen to me because..." is comforting. And sometimes obnoxious.