Judging Dead People
Mar. 19th, 2009 11:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marydellMy aunt died nearly 6 years ago of a totally survivable cancer. She knew she was sick, but didn't go to the doctor for an entire year, because she had a lot of stuff going on in her life and she didn't want to deal with whatever she was going to find out. So when she finally decided she needed to take care of the problem, the problem turned out to be stage 4 cancer. She was diagnosed in January and died in May. Age: 54. In those months she had surgery twice; she never healed enough to be able even start chemotherapy.
She should have gone to the doctor. A year earlier, it would have been treated with surgery and she would have survived.
I was pretty angry with her for dying, for letting it get to the point of being untreatable. I think I would not have made the choices she made.
But. I wanted to be fair. I took some time and made a list of every health condition of my own that I was ignoring. It was a pretty damn long list. None of them seemed life-threatening to me, but neither did the condition she ignored for a year. I decided that once I'd done something about everything on my list, then I would be entitled to be angry with her, and to pass judgment on her.
In the past 6 years, because of her death and the ensuing list, I've had my impacted wisdom teeth removed. I've gotten an asthma inhaler that I carry with me. I had an ultrasound of my uterus to make sure that my bad cramps weren't a sign of a dangerous condition. I've done a whole bunch of other small things and improved my allergy management a whole lot.
What I haven't done is switched to a heart-healthy diet, or lost the 30 pounds I need to lose in order to be at what my doctor considers a healthy weight, or the 50 I need to lose to be at what the government considers a healthy weight. I've tried, but it's really fucking hard; it challenges me psychologically in ways I'm not ready or able to face. I suppose she felt the same way about the condition that she thought she had.
I'm not angry with my aunt. I don't feel superior to her. I'm glad I've developed the habit of going to the doctor when something's wrong, and I think some day that habit may save my life. But it doesn't make me better than people who don't have that habit.
In the wake of Natasha Richardson's death, I'm wishing more people would make lists like mine--in this case, of things we do that potentially endanger our lives, even when we know ways to be safer--before pointing out the mistakes that she made. It's not that this isn't a moment for learning; it is. But maybe it doesn't have to be a moment for judging.
She should have gone to the doctor. A year earlier, it would have been treated with surgery and she would have survived.
I was pretty angry with her for dying, for letting it get to the point of being untreatable. I think I would not have made the choices she made.
But. I wanted to be fair. I took some time and made a list of every health condition of my own that I was ignoring. It was a pretty damn long list. None of them seemed life-threatening to me, but neither did the condition she ignored for a year. I decided that once I'd done something about everything on my list, then I would be entitled to be angry with her, and to pass judgment on her.
In the past 6 years, because of her death and the ensuing list, I've had my impacted wisdom teeth removed. I've gotten an asthma inhaler that I carry with me. I had an ultrasound of my uterus to make sure that my bad cramps weren't a sign of a dangerous condition. I've done a whole bunch of other small things and improved my allergy management a whole lot.
What I haven't done is switched to a heart-healthy diet, or lost the 30 pounds I need to lose in order to be at what my doctor considers a healthy weight, or the 50 I need to lose to be at what the government considers a healthy weight. I've tried, but it's really fucking hard; it challenges me psychologically in ways I'm not ready or able to face. I suppose she felt the same way about the condition that she thought she had.
I'm not angry with my aunt. I don't feel superior to her. I'm glad I've developed the habit of going to the doctor when something's wrong, and I think some day that habit may save my life. But it doesn't make me better than people who don't have that habit.
In the wake of Natasha Richardson's death, I'm wishing more people would make lists like mine--in this case, of things we do that potentially endanger our lives, even when we know ways to be safer--before pointing out the mistakes that she made. It's not that this isn't a moment for learning; it is. But maybe it doesn't have to be a moment for judging.
