Oh, the pain, the pain of it all

[marydell]

I've never been crushed by the pain of being infertile...it's been more of an ache. I have a lot of nieces and nephews, so my genetic gifts are sufficiently represented in the next generation without my own contribution. And my relationship with my body is one of mutual disdain, most of the time, so I'm mostly ok with missing out on the pregnancy/childbirth thing, although I'm a little sad about it.

Being childless has been painful, but that, too, is something that hits some people harder than it hit me. I have so many happy childfree friends that I've been able to consciously move past the default raised-catholic idea of "life without children is meainingless." For myself, I had to do some serious thinking about what would give my life meaning if I never had kids. And I've spent the past couple of years seriously focusing on those ambitions, and I plan to go on that way now that I'm a mom, time allowing. He's going to grow up and move away eventually, after all, and people who live vicariously through their kids are a real pain to have as parents.

Which isn't to say I haven't yearned to be a mom. I have and have and have, and the journey to get here has sucked a lot. But all of the pain of that journey is melting away now; I really don't care about the pieces I've missed out on, because everything that matters to me is here with me now. [I almost said "in my arms," good lord, mommy hormones or something are inspiring me to write sweet, cloying prose! Thank god my brain said "no he's not, you can't type with a baby in your arms, you moron, and who do you think you are, anyway, L.M. Montgomery?"]

The pain of endometriosis, on the other hand, does NOT melt away. Normally I take flexiril for my godawful, debilitating cramps, but it makes me too sleepy to care for a baby, so today I'm just taking huge amounts of advil and thanking the gods that my new baby is snoozy and that his daddy has mostly figured out how to keep him dry during diaper changes so I don't have to do them all. Ohhh I miss my couch. With luck we can go home tomorrow.

Comments

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

Baby wipes and talcum powder.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

I find the "keep a washcloth over his winkie" method works well. And moving as fast as possible. Mike's problem is that he's methodical and thorough, which gives Charlie a chance to decide which thing he'd most like to pee on, and then pee on that and everything else in reach. Hee!

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

The projectile power of the infantile penis is a thing of wonder. Especially when you've been hit directly in the face. This is how little boys learn to swear, I firmly believe.

[serge-lj.livejournal.com]

Your kid has great parents.

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

I second that motion.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Thanks...so far he seems to like us okay, all things considered.

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

That's good. Just enjoy each other. And tell Mike -- that is your husband's name? -- to get used to hearing every baby in the universe.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

LOL, I will tell him that. And yeah, his name is Michael Dell, but he unfortunately does not own the Dell corporation. I tell people I didn't know that when I married him :)

[fledgist.livejournal.com]

*Snort*

It's an extraordinary thing when you become a father and suddenly start hearing every baby around.