Writer's Block: Family planning

[marydell]

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Better question: is there any method I would NOT be likely to consider? I mean, seriously, unless you have been there you cannot imagine how loud the ticking of the biological clock can get, particularly when it's been going TICK TICK TICK in your miserable head for the better part of a decade.  There are plenty of methods I chose not to pursue, but when it comes to consideration, I considered every goddamn thing.  This one time I was walking into The Container Store and a guy parked his car in front of the door and went in for a half a minute to pick up his stuff that they had waiting right inside for him to load, and he left his baby in the back seat of the car. With the windows of the car open, which is better for the baby's temp but also better for carjackers.  Who knows, maybe he even left the keys in the ignition. My second thought was "that guy's wife would KILL THE HELL out of him if she knew he just did that" but my first thought was "hey, free baby!"  It was a facetious thought but it was a thought.  (What I actually did was eyeball the kid protectively from the parking lot until the dude came back out).

I opted not to pursue IVF because I don't see the point in paying 10,000 dollars to feel like shit about myself because I can't get and/or stay pregnant, when I was already getting to feel like shit about myself for free every 21 days (my former cycle was ridic; I do not miss her, may she rest in peace).  Surrogacy frequently is about using your own genetic material, and, uh, well if you know me you know that's a mixed bag.  Plus I have a zillion nieces and nephews, a couple of whom remind me of me in a good way, so I am sufficiently represented already.

So: adoption, because I like nearly everybody, I enjoy every type of temperament, and I love every baby I meet. And I particularly love the baby I ended up with, who is the world's best baby big boy, even when he is throwing a choo-choo at my head.



In closing, here's a fist-bump of solidarity and/or a hug, as appropriate, to any of you who are riding or have ridden the fertility rollercoaster...it's definitely one of the barfiest rides at the carnival.

Comments

[shelly-rae.livejournal.com]

::fist-bump:: I did the IVF route as our medical insurance covered the cost. After a couple of years of drugs and the accompanying shenanigans we got nothing, nada, zip. Next step was a donor egg and then adoption. But none of that happened. Now I can't adopt.

So I love the babies and people around me. I find other substitutes. And I'm the best dang Auntie ever.

I've wanted to steal or rather "liberate" babies too. Like you I either watch protectively and occasionally I call child services.

Congrats on yours. He's a lucky boy to be so well loved.
Anon

[marydell.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry things didn't work out the way you wanted. Being an auntie is a help, isn't it? I'm lucky to have a lot of nieces & nephews (ranging from age 3 to age 30!), although none in the same town with me at the moment.

[serge-lj.livejournal.com]

my former cycle was ridic

Not a Harley-Davidson?
:-)

I'll be in the Bay Area this week. I'll get to meet some of my nephews, one of who is genetically related to his parents, one other. who isn't but who is quite the musician, like his dad.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Definitely not a Harley - more like this (http://i183.photobucket.com/albums/x225/jonnoel1/woodbike.jpg), I think.

Charlie definitely has the same temper I had at his age, despite the lack of inheritance. Osmosis maybe? Hopefully he will have musical talent that is not like ours, since ours is sadly lacking.

[stillnotbored.livejournal.com]

Yeah...it is quite a ride.

Having a second child was an adventure. We tried to adopt via our local county adoption agency in California. We told them we would take any child between birth and 8, any sex, any race or mixture of races, with a correctable medical condition. I wanted a child and knew I'd love what ever child I got.

The adoption people in all their wisdom [/sarcasm] turned us down, because if we were really serious about this, we'd move to a "less lily white area". We lived in the SF Bay Area, one of the most racially diverse areas in the country. A large number of my blood relatives are of mixed ethnic backgrounds. That kind of floored me.

Nine years later, after surgery, medications, AI, and enough angst to power a medium sized nation, my son was born.

Yeah, it's a hell of a ride.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

In recent years agencies haven't been allowed to turn potential parents down based on race, since doing so can result in depriving a child, based on the child's race, of a chance to be adopted. There's not a good systematic way in place to make sure that adoptive parents have some kind of clue about the child's race and culture, unfortunately, but our home-study agency had us do training on interracial adoption and on being a conspicuous family. The placement agency in Indiana didn't talk about it really at all, though, and since we were adopting through an African-American program we found that we knew more about Chinese culture than they did--Charlie was not in their usual range of baby :)

I'm glad it ended up working out for you...9 years is a long time to have people poking at your ovaries and so forth.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

What bothers me about the question is the implicit assumption that no one considers adoption UNLESS they have trouble conceiving. I have seen that assumption sooooo many times in the past 27 years (since we first told people about our first planned adoption). Of the four couples in our counseling group for our first adoption, only one was there because they had trouble conceiving--and even they came directly to adoption, without any infertility treatment.

This is in NO WAY a criticism of people who undergo infertility treatment. Everyone takes their own path. I wanted to adopt from the time I was a kid, right on through my teens and my first marriage. I knew that J and I were destined for each other when he asked me, before we were married, "Have you ever thought about adoption?" Adoption was our first, last, and only choice.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

What bothers me about the question is the implicit assumption that no one considers adoption UNLESS they have trouble conceiving.

That's what it is. I was looking at this question trying to dissect the reasons it made me feel disquieted and suspicious, trying to figure out what I felt was wrong with it. That's it, or at least a huge chunk of it.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Yes, definitely--wanting to reproduce and wanting to be a parent often go together, but not always.

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

I did it the other way around--sent my genes off to be raised by awesome parents. So far, so good.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Oh, cool. Glad it's working out well.

[bibliofile.livejournal.com]

Excellent points, all.

I always assumed that I'd adopt, too, if I ever had a partner who'd parent with me. (The problem isn't that we don't have enough babies in the world, certainly.) My life didn't turn out that way, but that's fine too.

[cakmpls.livejournal.com]

Back in my teen years, I occasionally imagined myself as the single adoptive parent of a multiethnic family. Tell me that wasn't an unusual idea for a girl in the early 1960s!

[icecreamempress.livejournal.com]

I am not one for the predestination, but it seems so clear to me that Charlie was meant to be your son, and you guys his parents. The universe moves in mysterious ways, kind of like Jello or the knight in chess.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

LOL @ Jello. Yeah, I am not a very woo-woo person so it's kind of hilarious that I have the most woo-woo adoption ever, chock full of improbable coincidences.

[haddayr.livejournal.com]

GREAT post.

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[ma-ee-uh.livejournal.com]

I meant to comment on this "writer's block" myself. Perhaps will do so later.

I think $10K a pop is actually a rather conservative estimate for IVF btw.

Anyway, I enjoyed reading this. I am glad you got to be a mom. :)

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[etumukutenyak.livejournal.com]

I never wanted to have children myself, although once I did hear that biological clock...and then I ended up adopting. My now-ex and I co-adopted her grand-nephew, who had been living with us since just after his 4th birthday, so we'd been raising him all along. It's quite an eye-opening experience -- and still is, even in the teen years -- and although I still would not choose to become pregnant, I'm very happy to have my son.

I'm glad you got to be a mom!

[marydell.livejournal.com]

Thanks, me too!

[lenora-rose.livejournal.com]

My biological clock is quieter than most I've heard of (It seems to be present, evidence the last two years indicates as much). So my answer to date would actually be... If I can't do it myself, none of the above.

This may change as time goes on. Or if my husband has different ideas. Because there is a longing for a child, though not a strong one. In which case, I'm not certain which option would be first. All of them have potential problematic aspects along with their definite benefits. I think surrogacy would be my last choice, though.