Decision made, decision deferred.
Sep. 23rd, 2009 01:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
marydellSo, we have at last managed to make some necessary decisions about a second child.
1. We will not adopt another child in the next year; probably not in the next two
2. We will not adopt another newborn
Both of these are because we are still exhausted from this past year of parenting Charlie and don't think we have the energy/time to give the same to another baby while still giving Charlie everything he needs, right now anyway. Admittedly, he was a more-than-usually difficult baby in many ways, with chronic ear infections, severe eczema, reactive airway, and allergies to entire botanical families of foods. A second baby might be easier...but might not be. Charlie's "official" special needs have really not been a problem; all the other stuff is just normal baby stuff, but turned up to 11.
However, we do want another child, despite all of the logic mice in our heads whispering sensible things to us, so...
3. We will remain in the China program for the time being.
Our dossier has been logged in since December of 06 and we are approved to adopt a girl up to 14 months old. At current rates of placement, we can expect a referral in 2012 or 2013. In order to actually complete that adoption, we'll need to do a new home study and immigration/visa process starting about 18 months before a referral is expected.
4. Over the course of the next two years, we'll either pay down our debts and make certain noticeable improvements in our health, particularly mine & Charlie's, or we won't.
5. If we improve the health & the debt, we'll go ahead with the new home study and adopt a second child; most likely a toddler girl from China, but possibly an infant or toddler here in the US (if the China program closes, for instance, or if it becomes too expensive for us).
6. If we do not make improvement to the health & the debt, or if we decide that we just don't have the energy, or if we decide that Charlie needs an exclusive lock on us as parents, or if this feeling of wanting a larger family wears off, we will not adopt another child, and that will be okay.
In support of these decisions, we have asked our social worker to close out our foster-parent license (which allows us to adopt domestically). And after setting aside all of Charlie's baby clothes that I want to save out of sentiment, and the few that are unisex and sized for a toddler, I have packed up the rest and sent them off to a tribe member who is expecting a baby boy. For some reason, having posession of Charlie's baby clothes, knowing there won't be another newborn here to use them, was filling me with a terrible sorrow--like his things became the focus of my grief over my infertility. I'm very grateful to know that they will be enjoyed by someone I care about, and going through them one last time and packing them up became a joy for me instead of a burden. (I tend to cast my emotions into objects rather a lot, yes.)
So now there is a clear path, and in a couple of years when it branches, those branches will be clear, too, and both outcomes will be ones I can be happy with. I can't express how much of a relief that is.
1. We will not adopt another child in the next year; probably not in the next two
2. We will not adopt another newborn
Both of these are because we are still exhausted from this past year of parenting Charlie and don't think we have the energy/time to give the same to another baby while still giving Charlie everything he needs, right now anyway. Admittedly, he was a more-than-usually difficult baby in many ways, with chronic ear infections, severe eczema, reactive airway, and allergies to entire botanical families of foods. A second baby might be easier...but might not be. Charlie's "official" special needs have really not been a problem; all the other stuff is just normal baby stuff, but turned up to 11.
However, we do want another child, despite all of the logic mice in our heads whispering sensible things to us, so...
3. We will remain in the China program for the time being.
Our dossier has been logged in since December of 06 and we are approved to adopt a girl up to 14 months old. At current rates of placement, we can expect a referral in 2012 or 2013. In order to actually complete that adoption, we'll need to do a new home study and immigration/visa process starting about 18 months before a referral is expected.
4. Over the course of the next two years, we'll either pay down our debts and make certain noticeable improvements in our health, particularly mine & Charlie's, or we won't.
5. If we improve the health & the debt, we'll go ahead with the new home study and adopt a second child; most likely a toddler girl from China, but possibly an infant or toddler here in the US (if the China program closes, for instance, or if it becomes too expensive for us).
6. If we do not make improvement to the health & the debt, or if we decide that we just don't have the energy, or if we decide that Charlie needs an exclusive lock on us as parents, or if this feeling of wanting a larger family wears off, we will not adopt another child, and that will be okay.
In support of these decisions, we have asked our social worker to close out our foster-parent license (which allows us to adopt domestically). And after setting aside all of Charlie's baby clothes that I want to save out of sentiment, and the few that are unisex and sized for a toddler, I have packed up the rest and sent them off to a tribe member who is expecting a baby boy. For some reason, having posession of Charlie's baby clothes, knowing there won't be another newborn here to use them, was filling me with a terrible sorrow--like his things became the focus of my grief over my infertility. I'm very grateful to know that they will be enjoyed by someone I care about, and going through them one last time and packing them up became a joy for me instead of a burden. (I tend to cast my emotions into objects rather a lot, yes.)
So now there is a clear path, and in a couple of years when it branches, those branches will be clear, too, and both outcomes will be ones I can be happy with. I can't express how much of a relief that is.
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Date: 2009-09-23 08:03 pm (UTC)Fingers crossed and positive thoughts sent your way that the health and debt hurdles are crossed, and that you get your toddler girl as well.
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Date: 2009-09-23 08:27 pm (UTC)I hope things work out and we get to adopt China girl as well, but finally I'm in a place where it won't be a tragedy if we don't. And it's really nice not to have to fill out any paperwork or meet with any social workers for the next year or two...ahhhh.
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